Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Just What I Needed

After all that talk yesterday, I fell asleep on the couch instead of going out for a run beneath the brilliant blue fall sky. But I was so tired mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Today I told myself that I'd go out for a few miles, focus on my posture, and run how I felt. Apparently I felt like my tail was on fire. I ran the second mile in 9 minutes and 22 seconds! The song that made the difference between mile 1 and mile 2? Beautiful by Christina Aguilera (don't judge!)

Yesterday I really needed a nap. Today I really needed a run. Sometimes I talk about running toward something or away from something. Today I was definitely running away from something. I was running away from the guilt of not running the miles I should have this week. Guilt from not volunteering to work overtime when the NICU admitted triplets and two other babies last night (will our census ever normalize?!). Guilt from not being the perfect housewife and keeping our apartment clean all the time.

A good run usually involves good music, good thinking time, or all the stars aligning to obtain that elusive runner's high. Today's run involved good music and led to good internal dialogue:

You have no self control. You ate too much cookie dough yesterday and too much pumpkin bar batter today.

You are beautiful.

You're eating like you've been running all week, but you haven't earned it.

You are beautiful.

You are so unproductive on your days off.

You are beautiful.

You are such a hypochondriac when you get any little ache or pain.

You are beautiful.

I am not sure where I first heard this, but when you're talking badly to yourself, you're supposed to imagine saying that same thing to a child. Would you say it to your 5 year old self? No? Then why on earth are you saying it to your 25 year old self? 

I really regret getting so down on myself in high school and college. I was doing the best I could at the time and beating myself up all the time didn't help matters. Likewise, I know that in 5 years I'll look back and be so sad at the way I talk to myself some days. I love how the Desiderata puts it: Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

My name is Therese. I love to bake and lick the bowl afterward. I like to run slow and pretend I'm fast. I like to write things out to clarify them, even if no one else reads it. I like to lay in bed reading Harry Potter while my awesome husbands makes pancakes. I like to take care of the tiniest human beings, even though the "work" part of my job overwhelms me sometimes. I am beautiful.

1 comment:

  1. love this! thank you for writing this.