Hot Yoga, Cold Day

Winter Wonderland Wednesday is already getting difficult for me. Which is the point, I guess. It's definitely cold here. Getting to work involves windshield scraping, numb fingers, and frozen ears. You'll only hear me say this once but I miss night shift right now. Garage parking suddenly seems so worth it!

Anyway, I'm here to celebrate things I love about winter. Today, I love Bikram Yoga. I can't afford a year-round yoga pass, but I don't know that I'd want to. I appreciate hot yoga more when it's cold outside. Put me in the salty, sticky air of the Florida Keys and I'm in heaven. Partly because my nailbeds will no longer be blue, but also because humidity is the great equalizer. Nice clothes? Makeup? Smooth hair? What's the point? In a tropical heat wave, my style (or lack thereof) is finally in fashion!

Striking a (Standing Bow) pose at home after class

But I digress. Few things are better than walking into a dressing room with 4 layers on, stripping down to spandex, racing across the cold concrete floor by the reception desk, prying open the door, and sighing with happiness when that wave of heat hits you. I finally thaw. Yesterday's class was especially sweaty, which was welcome after our coldest week yet. (It's hard to believe that just 2 weeks ago, I was running outside in a tank top. You probably couldn't pay me to do that this week.)

This is my 3rd winter doing Bikram Yoga and my 8th class this season. I am finally seeing improvements and I consistently try every posture, pleased to find that I can almost always hold some form of it the entire time. It's also been a great break from running, but I'm hoping that it improves my running as well. Aside from the obvious cardiovascular benefits (the high temps really get your heart pumping), yoga helps me figure out what needs the most stretching from one week to the next. I also love leaving class with quivering jelly legs instead of the board-stiff brick legs I get after running.

Hot yoga makes cold weather much more bearable.

The Lucky Ones

*Change it or let it go. Complaining is a waste of energy.*

I heard someone say this recently and I've been thinking about it a lot. I had a little pity party the other day, but I did indeed snap out of it. I know my mood was more related to all the cloudy days and humid weather we've been having rather than the fact that I actually have a life worth complaining about.

It usually takes a good but busy day at work to give me perspective. I may whine a little (okay, a lot. It's a problem.) about working 14 hour days from time to time, but at least I get to leave. I get to go home to a quiet house and forget about the hospital for a while. I cannot fathom sitting by my own child's bed, relinquishing every bit of parental instinct and control, for over 100 days. When I see a mom who is able to invest that much time, that much love, into her perfectly imperfect child, it breaks my heart. Every time mom tears up, I find myself doing the same.

Some days the NICU overwhelms me (as does projectile vomit) and I wish I could tell mothers everywhere: you think you have it bad? Pick a random baby in the NICU and I guarantee they have it so much worse. (But please feel free to remind me I said this in a few years when I'm awake at 3am with a fussy baby of my own).
 
There is no greater love than to give your life to another. I was so honored to see this love in action today. Please, if you have a little one at home, no matter how long your day (or night) may be, thank God that you're at home and not in a cold, loud hospital trying to sleep on a pull-out bed. (And if you are, my prayers are with you).

I will admit I am often jaded: how is it "fair" that one irresponsible mom can have a perfectly healthy pregnancy and delivery, while a perfectly healthy mom can go to a happy prenatal ultrasound one day and receive news that will forever turn her world upside-down? (Disclaimer: I also absolutely witness bad choices during pregnancy harming the baby and healthy choices during pregnancy leading to amazing outcomes. But other times there's no rhyme or reason, and it scares the crap out of me!)

However, I left work today grateful for 3 things:
1) That I am able to leave work, the hospital, and the drama behind me for a few hours.
2) The ability to witness the strength of the human spirit and our ability to place our cares on a greater God when we literally cannot carry them another day.
3) A deep and profound appreciation for my own health and my own life. 

I hope you find something to be thankful for tonight as well! 

Just Say No

This entire thought process occurred yesterday (Sunday) afternoon at work:

After I got back from lunch, the charge nurse asked if I wanted to work extra today (Monday). I had already signed up for overtime Wednesday, but they had several babies who needed one-on-one nurses Monday, so they were more desperate for help than usual.  I said, "Sure, take me off of Wednesday and I'll work Monday instead."

Then I remembered I had to have my Bone Marrow Donor labwork done this morning, so I said, "Actually, I can help out, but I can't come in until 11." Which was fine. Then I started to get anxious thinking about it. That meant putting myself at 3 in a row, which always stresses me out now that I'm on day shift. Granted, I'm doing three in a row by working Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, but I was mentally prepared for that. I started wondering, what will I pack for lunch? Will I have time to run errands, workout, and get blood drawn before going in at 11? So I erased my name and put myself back on Wednesday.

Then I felt guilty. But I reminded myself that the entire NICU does not (by any stretch of my imagination) depend on me and me alone. Yes, I work overtime almost every week because we are consistently short every shift thanks to a summer baby boom. Yes, it frustrates me that other people complain about staffing, yet refuse to work overtime. Yes, I like to help when I can. But it's my life, too!  And I'm SO glad I decided not to work today.

On the way to the lab

I got my blood drawn without incident. It's always good when the lab tech tells you that you have good veins before she even applies the tourniquet to your arm. (As an aside, every time I get blood drawn, I feel a little more guilty for sticking our babies when they don't know what's coming. And in general, they do NOT have good veins, so it's never a simple stick.)

Success

I went to Coffee Girls in Brookside and got a fresh squeezed juice as my reward. I'm hoping the extra dose of vitamins and minerals will help my now-slightly-diminished blood supply. After all, I have a 10k to run in two weeks!

Liquid Sunshine

I ate a big lunch at home and then I sat by the pool for 3 hours, soaked up the sun, and read a book nearly cover to cover. As much as I complained about the heat this summer, I'm shockingly upset that summer is fading and I needed one last fling with it.

I love summer!

Dear sunshine, please don't leave me.

 Now I'm anxious about work again, but it's nice to know that I got at least 3 hours of relaxation and sunshine in.  Changing seasons always leave me nostalgic. When I was walking back from the pool, I thought of one of my favorite quotes from Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Of course, we all inevitably work too hard, then we get burned out and have to spend the whole weekend in our pajamas, eating cereal straight out of the box and staring tat the TV in a mild coma (Which is the opposite of working, yes, but not exactly the same thing as pleasure)."

Substitute computer for TV and that's usually my day off in a nutshell-- the opposite of work, yes, but not exactly relaxation. The moral of my story is, just say no. Sometimes "me" time is more important than overtime!

Attitude Adjustment

I have an old co-worker who said commented on facebook about how she hates working all weekend and one of her friends responded, "poor you. You work 3 days a week." I had to exit out of facebook before responding to this perfect stranger with some snooty comment. 

Most nurses I know work at least 40 hours a week, often more. We work nights, weekends, and holidays. Even if we are working "just" 3 days a week, we're on our feet for a lot of it, dealing with difficult people, crying babies, snapping co-workers, and the like. I leave the house before 6:30am and don't get home until 8:00 or 8:30pm most days. And unless you're travel nurse or working overtime, you don't always feel that you're monetarily compensated for this work. I have plenty of friends who make more money than me at their office jobs.

I know, I know, stop whining. I have to tell myself that a lot. I also have plenty of friends with a college education who can't find a job. I should be thankful mine is relatively secure. But I'm in a funk at work now that my primary has gone home. I don't even have a short snuggle with her to look forward to on the days that my alarm goes off at 5:30am! The good thing about a primary patient going home is that you can go back to more critical babies and do a few admissions to brush up on your skills. However, we have SO. MANY. orientees right now, that hasn't been happening for me either. And when I'm only taking care of level 2 babies, it's hard to motivate myself to study for the RNC exam. Eek!

I need an attitude adjustment. It's going to be a miserable fall if I continue to dread going to work like I do right now.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than educatoin, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home...

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it."

-Chuck Swindoll

Work in Progress

Work often overwhelms me these days. I used to be able to work 4 days in a row (sometimes even 5 and, about once every 6 months, 6 days in a row). At the ripe old age of 25, sometimes I wonder if I'm already burnt out. Even worse, sometimes after working 3 days in a row, I'm afraid that as tired and as frazzled as I may be, I don't even know the meaning of "burnt out" yet.

I remember in grade school we had a ceremony for a 2nd grade teacher who had been working at the school for 25 years. I remember thinking, "that's way longer than I've even been alive!" That still blows my mind. So much happens in the first 25 years of your life... what happens the next 25 years? Am I destined to be doing the same thing day in and day out 25 years down the road? Dear God, I hope not. 25 years in the same place STILL blows my mind. 25 years ago, I was just a baby!

I've been out of school for over 2.5 years. Work is no longer a fun novelty, it's work.

Sometimes I think it'd be nice to do something that doesn't involve interacting with others. (I know, I'm antisocial enough as it is). But then I see aunts and grandmas stepping in to help an overwhelmed dad and a baby who has lost her mom.

I see strong, patient mothers who are dealing with the tragedy of not having a normal pregnancy, delivery, or newborn baby, yet they sit with their child every day and know more about the baby than the doctors or nurses ever will.

I get parents thanking me so much for taking care of their baby and requesting that I take care of their child every day I'm here.

And I'm thankful I have a job that allows me to witness the best (and worst) sides of the human condition. I get invited to baby showers when a long-term kiddo is getting close to going home. I frequently lend an ear to overwhelmed parents (and realize my life isn't so bad after all).

It doesn't happen every day, but sometimes when I'm not running around like crazy, catching up on charting, or trying to problem-solve a patient's latest problem, I get to sit down and snuggle with a baby. I get to feed someone their very first bottle. I get to carry them outside their rooms when they become "portable" and can remain stable without oxygen. I hear babies cry for the first time, I see them smile accidentally, and I get to watch them find their hands and reach for my face when I talk to them.

I do love the perks of my job, and usually when I'm bragging about a baby's latest accomplishment or cute moment, Ross tells me that this is the perfect job for me. As for now, I'm exhausted and looking forward to another few days off.  Texas, here I come!

Total Eclipse of the Heart

...Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears

This morning I got to my car at 6:20 and it wouldn't start. Ross had already been at work since 6:00 (yes, we both work weekends and holidays) so I had to call him, make him leave work, drive him back to work, and then drive myself to work. I surprisingly wasn't that upset about the car thing in the moment- I'm sure I wasn't fully awake yet. And I was only 10 minutes late to work.

I spent an inordinate amount of time preventing fussy babies from reaching the meltdown point.

But it really wasn't a bad day at work, all things considered (that phrase always makes me think of listening to NPR in the car with my dad: "...and I'm Linda Wortheimer").



...Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by

I probably shouldn't blog when I'm this tired. I'm not sure why I'm still awake (these days, 10:30pm is SO past my bedtime). I just got done with 3 shifts in a row. Certainly not terrible, but not great. I'm afraid I'm already getting "burnt out" on my career, considering 4 or 5 shifts in a row sounds impossible even though it's only been a few months since I've done something crazy like that.

I've still been working a lot (big surprise... 60 hours this week) but I'm not totally dead on my feet. This must mean I'm adjusting to the day shift schedule again.  My healthy lunch habit kind of falls apart after the third shift in a row, but I did manage to run 3 times this week in addition to working 5 shifts! And I have a much-needed and long-overdue vacation coming up soon, with 2 actual vacation days off-- not just some travel crammed between longs stretches of work. My first time off in 10 months!



...Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes

I was drinking a canned Starbuck's espresso this morning, looking at the break room calendar and thinking, "why does this seem like an important date?"  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Or a ton of feathers (well, 2000 pounds is 2000 pounds, but you know what I mean). It was so significant, yet so... not. July 25, 2008 was supposed to be the day I married my college boyfriend. It would have been a long engagement (over a year and a half), and it ended after 2 months instead.

I married Ross on September 19, 2008 instead.

When I think "Brian," my mind somehow remembers him as a high-schooler when I just had a crush on him, instead of picturing him as the Brian I dated for so long. Is that odd? Maybe it's my brain trying to protect me?

Ross and I started dating 3 years and 1 month ago, and even a month into our relationship, I found it hard to believe there was ever a time I didn't know him. Even then, I knew we were never not meant to find each other. Imagine how weird that's going to feel after 50 (God-willing) years!



...Every now and then 
   I fall apart

Thank you Ross, for holding me together.

Photo from June 2010

Daily Affirmation (after one of those days)

Yesterday was one of those days. I mean, it was Monday after all. Things started off okay despite 5 hours of sleep and a heavy hand on the snooze button. I left for work on time. But when I got to my normal parking lot, it was already full. I realized that *fun parking changes* had begun.

I end up walking into work from my parking lot most days, which takes about 5-7 minutes depending on how awake I am. But NOW. Due to garage construction (which will supposedly someday improve the parking situation), those of us with yellow stickers have been pushed to the limit, quite literally. I now have to park in a gravel lot behind a post office and a fire station.

I'm all for parking far from the door to get a few extra steps in. But this adds an extra mile to my day (from my car to the hospital entrance is 0.51 miles and 85 feet uphill, according to mapmyrun.com). I don't know whether to brag about this or whine about it. Yesterday, I whined.

By the time I found my way to the new lot and parked, I didn't have time to wait for the shuttle. I had to bust my butt uphill in the drizzling rain if I wanted to clock in on time. And the whole time I trudged uphill, the shuttle never did pass me. It took me 10 minutes to walk and I clocked in one minute late.

Since others were in the same position as me, it wasn't a big deal, but it still stressed me out. Then I saw my assignment and knew my day was not going to improve. I had that patient. I do not get along with that patient and I'm pretty sure it's mutual. I swear this baby starts to scream when it hears my voice.

Luckily, my day never did get as bad as it could have. It was just constantly busy and I was on my feet running back and forth between patients more often than not. I also spent my lunch break waiting in line at the pharmacy.

*Since I'm already on a roll, I would like to take this opportunity to ask my doctor friends a question: why do residents not only get to automatically park in the garage (for nurses, it's a 5 year wait list), but they also get a discount in the hospital cafeteria whereas I don't?!*

I digress. I have today off (thankfully) before another 3 shifts in a row, but I'm dragging. I'm playing on the computer in my running clothes, avoiding the inevitable. Then I saw this video and it made me laugh. You have GOT to listen to this. I guarantee this will brighten your day!



I guess it's time to go running. Since my iPod is broken, I will be singing, "I can do anything good, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can do anything good. Better than anyone. Better than anyone" to myself!

Overworked

I just finished working 79 hours in 7 days and I am not a happy camper. I hate working that much. (I do realize that some people work 80 hours a week and I'm so thankful I don't have to do that). My entire body hurt-- especially my feet and legs. And I was so stressed this last week that I wasn't sleeping well at all. Isn't that ironic? Then this quote popped into my head"
*Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.*
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Crazy Days

I suddenly have less time to blog now that I'm on day shift. Working 6:45am-7:30pm leaves you worn out in a whole different way. Don't get me wrong, I'm SO glad to be on day shift! (Even though I will always have a soft spot for my night shift co-workers and they will always have my undying respect.) But day shift is so much busier. "More bang for less buck," as my friend Kate says.
My feet hurt and my legs are so stiff. I worked Friday and Saturday and Saturday was especially JPS-worthy crazy. When I got up this morning, my feet started to hurt while I was standing in the kitchen making breakfast! And I get to do it all again tomorrow. However, I am very glad that I started my nursing career in such a busy unit. I still miss it with all my heart.
I'm so UNSURE of everything here. It REALLY doesn't help that my current NICU has been divided since I got here. There's one unit on the first floor and the main unit is on the 5th floor. We get shuffled between them just enough that I've been here 7 months and I still can't find supplies when I really need them!
I miss going to deliveries. I miss having designated "admit" nurses and I hate the chaos when we might be getting a baby and no one seems to know who is even going to take the admission at first. I remember feeling so lucky that in my entire first year and a half of nursing, there was never a day I DREADED going to work. I LOVED my job. I am still undecided here. Don't get me wrong, I love my patients (most of them, anyway) but there are definitely days that the thought of going in to work really weighs me down.
Ross hates it when I complain about missing Ft. Worth, but I need to get this out. I miss JPS. Yes, the county hospital with mostly Spanish-speaking clientele and homeless people watching TV in the ER waiting room when the weather was bad. I miss my little Hispanic babies who were always born with a full head of hair. I miss having a Neonatologist at the hospital 24/7.

That's Dr. Prieto on the right... my hero! I would move back to Fort Worth JUST to follow her around and learn from her. She always talked to the nurses, got their opinions, and actually dialogued with us regarding the patient's status. The best day of my nursing career was when we were talking about a baby's blood gas and I said something she hadn't thought of and she complimented me!

I definitely miss doctors who took the time to teach the nurses in the unit! (Here they're too busy teaching the residents, most of whom will never step foot in a NICU again after their rotation.) I miss being at the bedside when the doctors spoke to the infant's parents in rapid-fire native tongue. It's been 7 months and my Spanish is all but gone. I hate that.

I really hope that studying for my RNC brings back some confidence, because right now I'm no longer one of the lucky few who can say that I do what makes me happy and I get paid for it!
*A good leader inspires people to have confidence in the leader, a great leader inspires people to have confidence in themselves* -Groucho Marx

Good morning, day shift!

Ah, day shift. It almost feels like my first day at KU all over again! When I started working back in October, they were so desperate for experienced nurses on night shift that I didn't work a single day shift with a preceptor- I went straight to nights. Now I'm going to be working with people who only know me from change of shift report.
*You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.*
~Dr. Seuss
New haircut? Check.
New work shoes that look more professional than tennis shoes and make me 3 inches taller? Check.

New scrubs? Check.

Caffeine? Check!
Truth is, I was scared out of my mind for my first day shift today. Day shift tends to be much faster-paced and you have to be on your toes to talk to the doctors when they make rounds and write orders for the day. I feel like I've lost a lot of skills since leaving JPS and I'm terrified someone will find out I'm just an expensive babysitter! Well, the babysitter part is an exaggeration. I still consider myself a good nurse. But I miss going to deliveries, admitting babies, and juggling terrible assignments. I can't believe I said that, but it's true! You feel so much more accomplished when you get through a crazy day. I'm sure I'll have my share of those, but I really miss my delivery and admitting skills.
I must keep reminding myself of the positives:
1. I went to the February staff meeting and asked our manager if we had a Developmental Care Committee. She said no, but she'd like one. And then she put me in charge of it!
2. I was in a family meeting with a mom whose baby is one of our micro-preemies, and the doctor (our head neonataologist) told her, "Therese is actually the head of developmental care here. You should be very glad she's taking care of your baby." (Prior to that statement, I wasn't sure he even knew who I was since that was my second-ever day shift).
3. Sometimes the Pediatric ICU (PICU) nurses call us when they've attempted an IV on a kid a few times without success. I was the only NICU nurse available to go downstairs and help them the other day... and I got the IV on my first stick! It's always a bigger deal when you have 3 other nurses hovering around you and the hard-stick patient.
4. My sweet lil' primary patient went home on my birthday and her mom still sends me updates!

Career goals to keep the "I'm losing all my skills" worries away:
1. Get the Developmental Care Committee up and running. We've already had 2 meetings and things are really going well.
2. Take the NICU Certification test by December 15 (my 3 year nursing anniversary). This actually scares me out of my mind, but it's something that will really help me feel like I'm not missing out on learning experiences.

*A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Every day sends to their graves obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort.* -Sydney Smith
*Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance.* -Bruce Barton